


It's Boyfriend

by hello_nina



Category: Taynew
Genre: Angst, BL, Best Friends, Blowjobs, Boyfriends, Cuddling, Developing Relationship, Drama, Fights, Fluff, Hickeys, Jealousy, M/M, Making Out, Running Away, Sex, Teasing, bxb - Freeform, dom tay, it's complicated - Freeform, new has issues as usual, tay is in love still, taynew being taynew
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-14
Updated: 2019-07-14
Packaged: 2020-03-07 02:22:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 22,548
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18863794
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hello_nina/pseuds/hello_nina
Summary: New ran away three years ago and is now returning home for the first time. Where his ex-bf Tay lives.New thinks his life is perfect now - his mind stronger, his resolve firmer.Tay thinks differently.





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> i was missing the angst and i know you were too so let's get started.

Was it getting a little too hot in the room?

New looked around the familiar walls of his bedroom in the bright white light coming from the ceiling. Was it just him? Why was his heart rate picking up? Why was his breathing becoming ragged? He had been fine just a few hours ago when he hung up from his daily video chat with his....................best friend Tay. With New being gone for barely a year on his new modeling job, they had promised to talk at least once every day. 

But today’s conversation hadn’t ended well. New told Tay he was extending his contract for a few more years and Tay was, naturally, not happy.

And New really didn’t want to care. So then why was he sweating all of a sudden?

He remembered Tay’s voice, how passionate he had been, how upset, how sad, how filled with frustration his tone had gotten when he asked “don’t you miss me? Don’t you want us to be together again?” But New insisted that this was for the best. They both had to focus on their careers and give each other time. Besides, nothing in life was permanent. 

Except for the thoughts in our head. They, unfortunately, haunt us forever.

He walked from one corner of the room to the other, eyebrows scrunched together, mouth forming a tight frown. 

Was it him or were the walls suddenly closing in?

It wasn’t fair, really. Tay had been perfectly happy for the last year as New traveled and advanced his modeling career. Tay himself had received more acting and hosting jobs, an inevitable result of his naturally warm personality that attracted so many people. What did it matter if New extended his contract a little longer? Both were busy anyway. Plus, eventually he would have to go back. 

There was no running away this time.

He exhaled in frustration, running his hands roughly up and down his face. He took a few deep breathes and walked to the bathroom to splash water on his face.

He stared at his reflection in the mirror as the water droplets slowly trickled down his paler-than-usual face. His eyes were almost bloodshot, his lips slightly blue, his hair flying in all different directions. 

A sudden fit of anger overtook him. It hit him like a light, something that ignited every nerve in his body. HE was the master of his life. No one could ever tell him what to do. No one could ever make him do anything.

HE was independent and had been for quite some time now. HE didn’t rely on others, he wasn’t beholden to anyone and no one was beholden to him. HE would live his life how he saw fit and make the decisions HE wanted to make.

But why did this bother him? Was it the fact that he knew deep down inside he wasn’t free? Or was it, perhaps, the fact that he knew deep down inside he now cared whether his decisions affected someone else? 

His shoulders slumped. The fit of anger disappeared as quickly at it came. Normally he would get angry and this would lead to immediate defiance, an urge to lash out and prove he was beholden to no one. But why did it now feel like his there was a slight pressure on his heart? It was like he couldn’t breathe on his own, couldn’t move on his own, could barely stand on his own. For years he had been alone, free to forge his own path and not worry about anyone else. So why did he have to feel guilty for making a decision about his career that was obviously best for him?

He didn’t need anyone’s validation.

His hands curled into fists.

He didn’t need anyone’s approval.

He clenched his jaw and blinked away the tears that were clouding his vision.

He didn’t need anyone at all.

He walked purposefully out the bathroom towards the bag lying on his bed, digging through it to find the small piece of paper he knew he had thrown in there.

If this “love” that everyone kept talking about was supposed to be so freeing, why did it feel like it was slowly caging him in? 

His fingers grazed the tiny slip of paper.

He had tried this “love” that everyone kept saying was supposed to make his life seem so much better. And for a while, it had. But now he was tired of tying his life down to someone else. He should’ve known he wasn’t cut out for this.

He withdrew his hand from the bag and opened the folded paper. Inside was a phone number written in even, neat handwriting. He couldn’t remember the model’s face that well but it didn’t really matter at this point anyway.

***********************************************************************************************************

Hours later, he sat in a dimly lit bar as it reached the 2 AM closing time. 

His body felt numb. He hadn’t even bothered to look at himself in the mirror as he hastily threw on clothes and left the model’s condo a little while ago. What did it matter what he looked like on the outside when he felt so disgusting on the inside?

He took the shot that the bartender had placed in front of him. He didn’t recall ordering it but once again, did it even matter? It had the right amount of bitterness to burn his throat and make the pain fade away as quickly as possible. 

He lay his forehead down on the cool bar in front of him, closing his eyes and trying to regain some sense of clarity. But all that he got were vision after vision of Tay’s smiling face, punctured abruptly over and over again by what he had just done a few hours ago. He shivered, feeling the contents of the heavy drinks he had just inhaled threatening to pour out at any moment. 

Yet even as he lay here in pain, he didn’t feel he had done anything wrong. His mind refused to acknowledge that what he had done was the wrong course of action. To him, it was right. To him, it was freeing. Besides, who could judge what was right or wrong? We were all sinners at some point in our lives anyway. We may not make decisions that are right for others but we will always strive to do what’s best for us. 

All we have to rely on in our lives is ourselves, really. People? They come and go. Love? It was fickle, at best. Friends? Replaceable. But if you couldn’t do what’s best for you, then you have failed the one person you should never fail - yourself. And New knew that he had to pursue this modeling career for a little while longer. The money was good and best of all he genuinely enjoyed it. He had been forced by Tay to choose between Tay and his career when Tay knew this was a cruel thing to ask of him.

New groaned. There was no cure for madness. If there was, he would’ve found it by now.

Some people thought he was selfish. Some thought he was arrogant. Others thought he was flat out rude. 

He laughed bitterly. No one would ever understand him.

Except Tay.

His head shot up and he signaled to the bartender. “One more of whatever you just gave me please.”

Tay always understood him and accepted him with his flaws. Despite his flaws. Perhaps even for his flaws.

“Make that two, please!” He hollered.

*******************************************************************************************************

New opened his eyes slowly and could already feel the piercing headache forming as he tried to sit up.

“Fuck.”

He slowly lay back down and watched the bright rays of sunshine filter through the curtains in his bedroom. How much had he drank last night? The whole bar?!

He tried to roll over but his vision suddenly became hazy and he could feel himself about to throw up in about thirty seconds.

He jumped out of bed even as the pain in his head threatened to knock him out and his legs became wobbly. Shoving open the bathroom door he toppled to the floor in front of the toilet and barely got his head over it as he finally heaved and everything from last night came toppling out.

Once he was done he somehow managed to crawl over to the shower and strip off his clothes. Turning the knob to the hottest temperature, he turned the shower on and felt the scalding water hit his skin, finally waking him up. Initially the heat hurt but gradually it dulled away the numbness and pain in his body. He stood under the shower and cleaned up. At some point he started crying. At some point he stopped. 

An hour later he sat at his desk and opened his laptop. The first email he typed was to his modeling manager, letting her know he’d signed on for a few more years. The second was to his manager back home in Thailand, letting her know he wouldn’t be back for a few more years.

The last thing he did, begrudgingly and with absolute dread, was turn on his phone and watch as the notifications poured in. He ignored all others and zeroed in on the ones with Tay’s name. Messages, calls, texts on all platforms. 

He winced. 

His fingers itched to respond, to find the comfort he desperately craved right now. But he resisted. He knew what he was doing was necessary. It was best for him and for Tay. Tay had a habit of putting his emotions first and dispensing of all practicality and sense, instead choosing passion over logic. But New knew better. 

Besides, if he continued to talk to Tay eventually he would wear New down. He always did. That’s why it was best to cut off all communication, so Tay couldn’t get inside his head again and weaken his resolve. All it took was one look from Tay, a slight shift in his tone, a kind word here, a heated glare there and New would cave, like always.

No.

This would pay off in the long run.

He was constantly reminded that he can’t run forever so he had to make use of this time right now to focus. 

He shut his phone off again and stared out the window as clouds slowly covered the sky. It was going to be another rainy day. 

He got up and got dressed. Made himself breakfast. Checked his calendar for his schedule. 

The rain came down harder. It continued to rain for the following four days.

New’s life suddenly seemed calmer but a little more dull. He would go through the motions but never really find the spark that seemed to have been doused when he cut off contact with Tay. 

But it couldn’t rain forever, could it? Eventually the sky had to clear up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please let me know if you are offended by this trash or if it's even mildly entertaining.
> 
> also!
> 
> twitter - @confusedpolca. come yell at me. :)


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> there is a prologue i added later just before this chapter so hit "previous chapter" to go to the ACTUAL beginning of the story. :)

**2 years later**

New stared out of his hotel window, cell phone in one hand and other hand balled into a fist.

“Why do I have to move my flight because one of the other artists cancelled last minute? I was supposed to fly in next week!” He exclaimed as he finally moved to grab his suitcase and hotel key card, having just packed his belongings within the hour.

“Just go!” His longtime manager P’Yui exclaimed. “The flight leaves in an hour and it’s a 30 minute drive to the airport. I’ll explain when you land.”

He sighed. “Could you at least tell me what event I have to make an appearance at so I can be prepared with what I have to say, how I have to act, all that stuff?”

P’Yui remained uncharacteristically silent for a beat too long before finally responding vaguely “it’s just a small event for the senior artists to promote the grand opening of a nearby coffee shop.” 

“What? What coffee sh-“

“Did you check out of the hotel yet? Have you gotten in the cab?”

“I………..no, I’m just leaving the room now, I—“

“New!” P’Yui said shrilly. “If you don’t get back to Bangkok in time for this event there WILL be hell to pay.” And with that, she hung up.

New smiled wryly as he placed his phone back into his pocket and walked out of the hotel room towards the elevators. In all his years of working with P’Yui, he knew she could get a little testy at times, a little too bossy, a little too loud, but there was genuine care and affection there. It was something he had lacked so much in his life. Now at age 30, he had come to terms with this sad reality and was learning to find that care and affection within himself first. 

He had, rather unfortunately in his past, looked for that care and affection within others. Friends, coworkers, girls, a guy………..

He jumped in shock when he heard the elevator halt abruptly, having reached the lobby and jarring him out of his thoughts. As he walked outside to hail a cab, he realized that this was his first time back in Bangkok in three years. Ever since his last drama had finished airing and he had finally been freed from previous work commitments, he decided to pursue a longterm modeling assignment that took him all over the world. When he received the email from P’Yui two months ago asking him to return for an event, he was already growing exhausted of the constant traveling and ready to return back to his home. As much as he had wanted to believe that solitude and independence were the only things he needed in life, the desire to head back home had been growing quietly within him for the past year. And P’Yui’s email had just been the push he needed to make the final decision.

He rested his head against the window of the cab as it sped through the busy and winding streets of Florence, Italy. He had enjoyed the last two weeks here, having finished walking the runway for a new up and coming designer and posing for a few pics for a local magazine. It was time to finally head home and decide what to do next in his life. The last three years had taught him that perhaps solitude and alone time were not what he needed after all. He still felt an emptiness, a gaping hole that for some reason no one he met could ever fill.

Well, no one he met in the last three years, anyway. He had met someone once, long ago, what felt like an eternity ago, really. 

New sighed. This was not something he planned on dwelling on ever again. As he checked in at the airport it suddenly occurred to him, however, that he and this person would once again be in the same city after three long years. 

The corners of his mouth twitched involuntarily as he boarded the plane and took his seat. New prided himself in his resiliency, his stubbornness and his unwavering drive to accomplish anything and everything he wanted. But one person had always managed to somehow shake him to his core, to break through his resolve and get through to his heart, his brain, his very being. This had ultimately proven to be too much for New, and through many harsh ups and downs he had made the difficult but resolute decision to cut off all contact and never look back. The sheer power of their relationship had, to put it simply, drained him. What they had had was one of those intense connections that few people in this world would ever have, and for someone like New who had never even seen love, felt it, or given it, the stress of maintaining something so strong eventually took its toll. 

He finally broke.

Now that he thought about it, it had hurt, more than he cared to admit. The first few months were rough, to say the least. It was like breaking everyday and fixing yourself up again just to crawl back into bed alone, missing the warm body that used to fit right next to you. Then you wake up the next morning and break again. But somehow, like always, New pushed through the mental and emotional torture. He pushed through the panic attacks, the fits of loneliness, the hourly cravings to message that one person. And now, two years later, he could say with absolute certainty that he was not the same person anymore. 

He would not, could not possibly, cave again. He was a changed man. No one in this world could possibly be strong enough to break him now.

*************************************************************************************************

It was almost 4 AM in Bangkok and Tay Tawan was still busy scrolling through his twitter, the broken pieces of his camera splashed out across his bed, a screwdriver haphazardly thrown to the side, and 15 small pieces of tape strewn across the floor. He sat on the corner of the bed, distracted by the dozens of group chats he was in and Twitter threads he was responding to. He had tried to fix the camera that he unfortunately dropped two days ago while climbing out of the backseat of a car, but it was proving to be more difficult than he originally thought. 

So, he gave up and grabbed his phone to engage in activities he found far more interesting.

This was his daily routine. He’d try to head to bed at 11 PM, only to wake up every single day at 3:30 AM, his sleep issues having worsened over the last three years. 

Ever since HE had left.

Tay shook his head and checked his emails. He saw one from P’Yui, his manager, that had come through yesterday. It was a reminder to be sure to grab his clothes from the dry cleaner before heading over to the coffee shop grand opening event later today. He sighed and added yet another calendar reminder to his phone, then tossed the phone across the bed and fell back, resting his head on his pillow. 

He was getting bored of the same routine over and over and over again. Work, friends, social obligations, even family were all becoming boring. Suddenly everything seemed so dull and lifeless. Nothing sparked him. Nothing made him feel alive again. Nothing made him feel true happiness anymore. 

He rolled over onto his side, frowning. He knew when this happened. He knew why this happened. He knew whose fault it was. Yet try as he might, he still could not, after three long, painful years, bring himself to hate that person nearly as much as he wanted to.


	3. Chapter 3

New reached across the counter in the hotel cafe and grabbed a sweet pastry as he casually made his way out the hotel.

He'd landed back in Bangkok two hours ago. Instead of heading to his condo first, he decided to grab a room at a hotel for a day or two while the cleaners cleaned it out. The tenants that had been living there for the last three years had just moved out a couple of days ago so New thought it best to have it cleaned before moving back in. Plus, moving back into his condo meant adjusting to a new sense of permanency that he hadn’t had the luxury of knowing for the last three years as he jetted from one city to another, from one country to another. So he wanted to savor this moment for as long as possible.

For once he wasn’t rushing anywhere, trying to meet a schedule or an appointment and checking his watch every five minutes. For once he could grab a pastry from a small relatively unknown cafe in a small relatively unknown hotel and stroll around his city without needing to actually be anywhere. It was a freedom that most people took for granted but New never would. 

He walked out of the hotel slowly, knowing he still had an hour to kill before getting ready for the coffee shop grand opening. Deciding to check out a nearby dessert shop that Google said was only a ten minute walk from the hotel, he turned left and made his way down the sidewalk, shoving the pastry in his mouth and savoring the sweet taste. He looked around the buildings, shops, and people that somehow seemed both familiar yet unfamiliar at the same time. Or maybe it was just that he himself had changed so much in the last three years. Before leaving, he had become a shadow of himself here. But suddenly, the weight of the world had finally been lifted from his shoulders. Work and school commitments were done, there was nothing tying him to this city anymore. Naturally there was nothing left to do but run. 

And of course, HE hadn’t helped either. 

New frowned and turned right, seeing the dessert shop farther down the road. Just in time, too. His pastry was done and he was, of course, still hungry. 

He marched up to the entrance of the shop and walked in, heading straight for the front counter, excited to see all the sweet goodies he could finally get his hands on.

“New?” 

His head perked up and turned sharply to the right.

“Lee!” He said, releasing all the tension and anxiety that had started to accumulate at the mere mention of his name, the stress of seeing even one familiar face draining away as he looked upon one of the few people in this world he had truly called a friend in every sense of the word.

“What are you doing here?” Lee asked, rushing to him and grabbing him firmly by the shoulders to bring him in for a tight hug.

New was taken aback at first, not used to the sudden display of affection. He had spent the last three years training himself to avoid these types of situations, only meeting with people for work or pleasure but never for emotional connections. But something about embracing an old friend who openly displayed his affection for him got the best of him, and he cautiously placed his arms around Lee’s shoulders and reciprocated the hug.

He could feel Lee’s body shaking with laughter as he finally released New. 

“Are you going to throw up now?” Lee asked.

“What?” New responded, confused by the sudden question.

“You acted as if hugging me was making you sick. Let me know if you need a bucket or something.”

New smiled slowly, remembering how he and Lee used to laugh and joke like this all the time.

“Well your friendship and love for me is sickening. It’s enough to disturb anyone.”

Lee laughed openly, his smile still as warm and kind as New remembered it.

“It’s so good to see you, man,” Lee said quietly, gazing warmly at New and placing a hand on his shoulder. “I missed you. It’s just not easy to find someone who you can spend hours on end with, being silent and simply enjoying their presence. I missed just having you around.”

New sighed. “I’m s—“

“No,” Lee waved his hand dismissively, “I’m not mad. I’m your friend, New. How could I be mad at you for making a decision that was best for you and your mental health? As long as you’re happy, I’m happy.”

New looked at Lee in shock. He always expected the worst in people, by default. Humans were tricky creatures with fickle emotions and an ever present sense of entitlement. New had expected anyone he met from his past now to rage against him, be upset, take out their anger and break all contact from him. It’s not that he thought he was that important to everyone. Quite the contrary, actually. He thought that he was so unimportant that none of these people, no matter how many years of friendship he had with them, would care to deal with him after three years of no contact whatsoever. 

“Thanks.” He said dryly, smiling a rare genuine smile. He was awful with words but knew if anyone would understand the emotions behind that one word right now, it would be Lee.

Lee squeezed New’s shoulder gently and said “come by for guitar lessons, video games, or just to sit and talk about nothing. Please.”

“Thanks. I………….I think I’ll take you up on that offer sometime.”

Lee’s eyes crinkled as he smiled brightly and looked at his watch. “Shit. I wish we could just run off and do nothing together right now, but unfortunately I gotta run. I have a script reading for an upcoming show.”

“Oh, that’s good to hear. Glad you’re still in the business.” New said.

“Ha. Yeah, it has its ups and downs,” Lee responded, placing his hands in his pockets and glancing up at New, “as, I’m sure, you very well know.”

New looked down suddenly, knowing exactly what Lee was talking about. Knowing how he used to run off to Lee once every few days when the stress of his professional and personal life got to be too much, and his actual best friend, HIM, that guy, the person he used to be able to turn to for every small thing in his life, had now suddenly become the source of his anxieties and worries. Lee had spent countless hours consoling New or simply listening to him talk about the confusion in his mind and heart as his emotions spiraled out of control and he could no longer reign them in as tightly as he used to before.

“He’s going to the grand opening tonight.” Lee said softly, reading the look on New’s face and knowing he was now recalling the exact moments Lee had hoped he would.

New looked up sharply. “Who.” He said, knowing full and well who Lee was talking about.

“Don’t play dumb, New. You’re cute but not stupid.” Lee said as he picked up his order from the counter. He made his way to the front door and turned back to look at him, waving and saying with the ghost of a smile “good luck tonight”.

*******************************************************************************************************

New was hiding in the restroom of the coffee shop where the grand opening was being held, having arrived only thirty minutes ago and already becoming overwhelmed by the gaggle of people and the pressure to make small talk. One of the few things he knew he’d miss about modeling would be the limited social interactions he had to make. Modeling had been pretty simple for him - make a pretty face, wear what you are given, walk down a ramp, pose for a camera, then collect your money and call it a day. The entertainment industry was different. As an actor he had to talk about his projects and force conversations with others at these contrived events to show his personality and bring in more projects for himself.

It was everything an extreme introvert was terrified of, even after almost a decade of maneuvering through the industry.

He washed his hands at the sink, dried them with the paper towel, then just stood there in front of the mirror, staring at himself with a slight frown.

This was a bad idea. 

His heart was pounding. He was pretty sure he could feel sweat forming on his forehead and he rarely sweat.

This was all Lee’s fault. That asshole. Some friend he was! Why did he have to tell him that HE was coming to this event too? And why was New spiraling so soon? He didn't even last a day! All those pep talks he'd had with himself for the last week, about how he was stronger now, more hardened to life, how he wouldn't become weak like this ever again.

No. Absolutely not. He had to regain control.

He took a few deep breathes and forced a fake smile onto his face, his heart beat slowing down again as the familiar process of faking a smile felt oddly soothing. He knew why Lee had given him the warning beforehand. If New hadn’t been given a heads up, it was entirely possible he’d crack and run away again. Because, deep down inside, no matter how much he tried to pretend to himself that he was tougher, stronger, more resilient now, when it came to HIM he would always be weak. And Lee knew this too.

New stepped out of the restroom, maintaining his usual casual demeanor and fake, breezy smile, nodding at familiar faces and occasionally stopping to shake a hand or make small talk with some of them. He looked to his left and saw P’Yui glaring at him as usual, muttering something under her breath before turning away, but not before New caught the corner of her mouth twitching up ever so slightly. 

His smile widened. 

He could do this. He’d been a professional long enough to know how to fake it through these boring events. He just had to—“New? Is that…….is that YOU?”

He spun around and came face to face with his longtime friend Off. 

“Yeahhhhh……yeah, uhh, hey! Hi!” He said slowly, trying to regain his composure. For a brief second he had been worried someone else had called his name.

“About time I finally get to see your face. You treat your friend worse than you treat your cat. At least you were probably video chatting with her over the last three years!” Off said in his usual loud and sarcastic demeanor, pulling New in for a warm and quick hug. Both boys weren’t big on hugging but this was one of those rare situations where emotions would get the best of them.

“Mei Mei has a much cuter face than you, why would I ever pass up a chance to video call her?” New deadpanned, pursing his lips and quirking an eyebrow.

Off grinned and puckered his lips into his signature “duck face” he always made whenever he was trying to pose. He was about to respond when someone came up abruptly next to him and shoved a drink into his chest.

“Here! I can’t believe you made me walk around this place just to get you this bottle of soda. Do you even know how unhealthy this is for you? It has tons of dangerous chemicals!”

The color drained from New’s face and he whipped around sharply, about to step away when he heard Off’s loud voice holler “NEW! You’re not gonna say hi?”

That sick fucker. He knew. He knew exactly what he was doing.

Off, New and Tay had been best friends ever since the three of them met back in college twelve years ago. Years later, Off had been the first person aware of Tay and New’s budding relationship, knowing exactly when and how they went from best friends to something more. He was acutely, painfully aware of their ups and downs and why New left the city three years ago. If anyone was going to try to force New to confront Tay from the moment he landed back in Bangkok, it was going to be him. 

New should have known! Off must have been the one to suggest to P’Yui to call him in after the previous artist bailed last minute for this grand opening. He had probably been waiting for the opportunity. 

Sometimes it really sucked having friends that truly cared about you. 

New turned around slowly, the same fake smile now plastered on his face again. “Of course! I was just going to grab a drink for myself, that’s all. Hey Tay, how’ve you been?” He said casually, glancing at Tay with a detached but polite expression.

Tay looked at him with his signature warm smile. Squinting his eyes every so slightly, he said “not that great but can’t complain. You know how it goes, we’ve all got our demons to contend with.”

Off stared at Tay and blinked. New gasped sharply and pretended to look at his watch. “Well, I…………..better grab a drink or something………….keep moving, I guess? Can’t stay long……”

“Of course. No surprise there.” Tay said lightly as he stood casually, hands in his pockets, a blue fitted blazer engulfing his broad shoulders and blue slacks covering his long legs. His hair was trimmed from the sides and a little longer on the top, slight bangs falling over his forehead. 

New’s favorite look.

“Right. Well, nice seeing you two.”

He turned and headed for the back door, not even bothering to try to hide the fact that he very much was not going to grab a drink. He just needed air, fresh air, an escape from the confines of this suddenly stuffy shop with all of these unfamiliar faces milling around him.

And Tay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im hoping to update this every few days so expect the next chapter soon! :)
> 
> comments are really helpful in helping me figure out what direction to take this so let me know thoughts, feelings, emotions, all that fun/disgusting stuff.


	4. Chapter 4

New stood on the side porch of the busy coffee shop, taking in the fresh air in deep, exaggerated breaths. He looked out upon the busy street and sidewalk littered with people on a night when the weather was just right. Everyone had somewhere to go, a destination, purpose, and presumably people to walk with. No one seemed alone. 

Except him. 

He sighed as he took a step forward and placed his hands in his pockets, frowning as he noticed a small family crossing the road, two friends laughing as they walked behind the family. He turned to his right and a young lady was talking excitedly on the phone with someone. To his left was a young couple, holding hands and gazing shyly at one another. 

New tilted his head to the side as he studied them curiously.

They seemed to be fresh in love, the burning glares, the hands intertwined with the thumbs ever so slightly caressing the other’s hand. They whispered in each other’s ear, simply needing the excuse to get closer to one another. New smiled in spite of himself. It wouldn’t last, probably. These things never did. Love, in his fleeting experience, was a tricky thing. It comes out rough and forceful and if you’re not careful, it burns out just as quickly, leaving behind only those memories that we choose to keep to pretend as if what we had was something powerful and enough to stand the test of time. 

“It’s cute, right?” 

He turned around in the direction of the voice and saw Tay walking up beside him. 

“What’s cute?” He asked quietly.

Tay nodded his chin towards the couple. “They look young, can’t be older than what, eighteen? Nineteen, maximum?”

New looked back at them and furrowed his brows. “I guess…………….”

Tay smiled as he leaned his elbows forward atop the fence that surrounded the porch, his hands extending out lazily in front of him. “They look happy.”

“For now.”

New frowned as he continued watching the couple. They had now gotten up, one person putting their arm around the other as they walked together towards whatever fresh romantic adventure they happened to chance upon next.

“Nothing in life is permanent.” New whispered quietly. “People come. People go.”

Tay turned his head slowly to look at him, a knowing look in his eyes, the left side of his mouth sliding up slowly in a half smile. “And yet, some people continue to come back into our lives. Repeatedly.”

New smiled in spite of himself as he looked down and shook his head. “Some people are harder to escape than others.”

From the corner of his eyes he could see Tay’s hand tighten ever so slightly atop the railing on the fence. 

“Some people are meant to be in our lives no matter what.” Tay said a little too firmly.

“Then we make our peace with them and continue on with our lives.”

Tay squinted his eyes and cocked his head to the side as he stared at New. “Is that what you’re looking for? Peace?” 

“Some version of it, yeah.” He responded, looking down again and kicking his foot out, not entirely sure what he was kicking at but suddenly feeling restless and anxious. This was not the conversation he needed or wanted right now. He had to escape. Again.

“I thought peace was what you had for the last three years? Did you find what you were looking for?” 

New’s shoulders slumped and he sighed, suddenly feeling defeated and exhausted. It had been a draining day, to say the least. 

“Maybe I just didn’t find the right version of peace.” He responded as he turned to walk back inside the coffee shop.

“Do you still think peace is what you need?” Tay called out.

“May not be what I need but definitely what I want.” New responded without looking back.

****************************************************************************************************

It was 4 AM the next day and Tay lay awake in bed yet again. He grabbed his phone and proceeded to open Instagram, where he went directly to New’s page. 

Ever since he had arrived home earlier that night he’d tried so very hard to go through his daily routine and act as if he was completely, totally fine - change clothes, brush teeth, work on fixing the camera he had been trying to repair for a solid six months now, and shove all the clothes and accessories off his bed so he could finally crash. And he had succeeded! 

Sort of.

He had once again opened his eyes at 3:30 AM, and for the last half hour only thought of one person, despite how hard he had tried not to do just that. And so, finally, he caved and checked out New’s Instagram, which he of course had been checking at least once everyday for the last three years anyway.

But today, just today, he’d check it twice. Maybe even three times, who knows! New was back in town and as much as Tay tried to hide his happiness he knew it was just a matter of time before it showed on his face, his mannerisms, his voice, the way he talked, what he talked about, every aspect of his life, basically. 

Not that he was complaining. 

New’s Instagram was, of course, neat and tidy. It only showed professional work photos, mixed in with the rare and occasional solo, casual photo of himself with no caption - one that he’d post when he was no doubt worrying about something, or feeling an emotion he was definitely trying to bottle in for as long as possible. Tay had kept up with his modeling gigs, seeing new photos of his handsome and beautiful face pop up on his timeline every day. Millions of people would admire his beauty, his mouth, the spot on his nose, the way his eyes sometimes showed sadness, amusement, pain. 

Or maybe that was just Tay?

He scrolled down New’s page and saw he had posted a new pic last night. His eyes widened and he suddenly sat up straight in bed, staring at the picture on his phone in shock. 

It was a solo selfie New had taken in the last place he and Tay had travelled to together before New left three years ago - Hong Kong. They had been there for a work commitment but of course had still made time to do things together, just the two of them. 

They always did.

New was smiling one of his rare, genuine smiles that he only smiled when alone with Tay. He was looking down and Tay, of course, had been looking at him. He remembered every second of that moment. They were standing atop a well known mountain in that province and had been looking down at the beautiful city below them when New suddenly grabbed his phone and took a selfie, probably overcome with some emotion he wanted to capture on his face forever. The sky was in that light pink and blue state that Tay loved so much. They were his and New’s favorite colors, and when the sky showed them everyday mixed together clumsily like that, it made Tay feel like what they had was the realest thing he had ever experienced in his life.

But why had New posted THIS particular picture late last night? 

Tay grinned slowly and double tapped the photo to like it, fully knowing it was a bad idea but enjoying the thrill of it way too much to stop now.

***************************************************************************************************

New was jogging on one of the treadmills in the busy hotel gym when he felt his phone vibrate. He dug it out and tapped the lock screen, eyes widening as he saw the Instagram notification.

“Shit.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> my personal favorite chapter so far.


	5. Chapter 5

New dumped the last of his boxes in the living room of his condo and plopped his body on the white sofa the movers had placed against the wall. He then leapt up immediately and ran to grab a chair, placing it directly in front of the sofa and finally sitting down to rest. He stared at the sofa, squinting his eyes and frowning. The second he’d sat down on it, the thousands of memories he and Tay had shared while fooling around on that sofa came rushing back. They were too much.

Or was Tay too much?

Looking around his condo, he realized almost every piece of furniture, every room, every corner, even every shadow had a trace of Tay. Of their time together. Of their happiness.

New sighed, shaking his head and scrunching his hands into his hair. This was going to be more difficult than he thought. He reached for his phone and opened his Instagram. It had been a few hours now since he’d received the notification of Tay’s “like” on his last post. 

He didn’t even know why he had posted that selfie. He’d arrived home after the grand opening last night both mentally and physically drained. All it had taken was one look at Tay to weaken his resolve. He had popped up out of nowhere! And of course Off hadn’t helped. 

He gripped his phone tightly as a sudden flash of anger overtook him. He had done nothing wrong! Was it wrong to ask for a break, even temporarily? He had made clear to Tay when they started messing within the abstract lines of their grey relationship that he couldn’t make any promises. That this wouldn’t be easy, and that there would be times when New would panic and run away. And still Tay persisted, so they kept going. 

And when New asked for the break Tay had said yes, of course, sure. He was, after all, the ever perfect friend, BEST friend, partner. So confident New would return.

And so New left, with the promise of returning in six months when the contract for the small modeling gig was done. But the contract got renewed, and kept getting renewed. And somewhere along the way New realized he had missed being secluded, being isolated, being free, being on his own without the feeling of needing someone or having someone need him. He realized there’s a thrill one gets when they go from being tied to one person to being absolutely on your own again, free to do as you want, when you want, without worrying about anyone else.

So six months turned to a year, and a year turned to two and then three. New gradually stopped responding to Tay’s messages, and ultimately they lost contact altogether. But soon New, like always, realized that solitude was only a temporary relief. He couldn’t run from his truth - that Tay loved him and he loved Tay. It would follow him everywhere. Tay’s love would follow him everywhere. 

Eventually the initial high of freedom slowly gave way to loneliness, which New naturally tried to fill with more work and late night hookups. But as he soon learned, he could fill the emptiness in his bed with a warm body but could never fill the emptiness in his life. That gaping void was only reserved for one person, a fact that he constantly tried to avoid.

In the back of his mind he knew he’d end up back here, in this same condo, in this same city, in close proximity to Tay again. He always did. Tay knew it too, that’s why every time New ran Tay didn’t even try to stop him anymore. Granted, three years was the longest he had ever been away. But, as Tay had said last night, “some people continue to come back into our lives”. New often wondered why Tay put up with this insanity. He knew he was blatantly disrespectful to the many years they shared together. He’d show Tay love and affection one moment, then run off the next. No sane person would and should tolerate this. And maybe this was why New would get frustrated over and over again. Why did Tay love him so much? What was it about New that attracted Tay like a moth to a flame? New had never thought of himself as anyone extraordinary whatsoever. Why, then, did Tay insist on treating him like he was just that?

His phone vibrated, shaking him out of his long reverie. He looked down and saw a message from Off, asking him if he wanted to hang out at a nearby mall later tonight. 

That asshole! Did he really have the audacity to message him after the stunt he pulled last night?

New was about to tell him hell no when he realized that he was doing exactly what he was trying so hard not to do again - become antisocial. He had promised himself on the flight back to Bangkok that he would at least try to put a little more effort into his personal life. And reconnecting with his best friend would be the best place to start.

Even if said best friend was an asshole sometimes.

He confirmed with Off the plan for tonight then flipped back to Instagram. Staring at the selfie he had posted last night, he frowned. He remembered laying in bed last night, scrolling through the intimate gallery he had on his laptop of the thousands of photos from trips he and Tay had gone on. This one had appealed to him the most because he vividly remembered standing atop the peak of the mountain, gazing down at the vast city and slowly turning his head to the side to find Tay staring at him.

“What?” He asked, blushing slightly and frowning. “Why do you keep looking at me like that?”

Tay grinned and shrugged, shoving his hands in his pocket as he stepped closer to New until his shoulder and New’s were touching, side by side.

“I can’t believe I’m here with you.”

“Well yeah, we did book the tickets together. Who else did you think would be here?” New asked, confused.

Tay’s smile vanished and he glared at New. “No, idiot. I meant that I just can’t believe I’m here at this point in my life, at my highest point with all this happiness, and I’m sharing it with YOU. I’ve literally and figuratively got you by my side.” He turned to look at New now with a look of pure adoration, and even though he barely touched him, New felt the full force of his words in that moment. 

“This is the only place I want to be. I……,” he paused to take a deep breath then continued, “I thought for so long that all I needed in life were good friends and an amazing family and I’d be set. How could I possibly want more? But…….” Tay took another shaky breathe and kept going, eyes never leaving New’s, “you bring this passion into my life that I never knew I needed. With you, there’s more color everywhere. With you, things seem brighter somehow. My life was fine before you, but it’s like………………like you just make it better somehow. You make me FEEL. I go through every insane emotion with you but I feel those emotions all the way down to my core - anger, panic, anxiety, longing, pain, jealousy and…………..love? I feel them all when you’re around and it makes life just so. Much. BETTER.”

He reached out to touch New’s face, hand curling around his cheek, thumb resting on his plump bottom lip which was now red from all the biting New had done on it.

“I thought life was good before but damn I didn’t know it could get even better.”

New laughed suddenly, a full throated, belly aching laugh and Tay scowled, shoving him hard.

“No……….no, I’m sorry, I’m not laughing at you, Tayyyyy.” New managed to wheeze out in between fits of laughter.

“Really?” Tay glared at him as he crossed his arms and rolled his eyes. “Cause it looks like you were, New. It really does.”

New finally managed to get his breathing under control again and reached up to place his hands on Tay’s shoulders. “I only laughed because I didn’t know you were capable of actually expressing such sweet things to ME, of all people.” He pouted, lowering his voice and putting on a cute expression that for some inexplicable reason he always seemed to enjoy making only in front of Tay. “I like when you say these things to me.” He whispered quietly, looking down now and feeling his face grow warm all of a sudden. “It makes me feel…………” 

Tay’s breath hitched as he stepped closer to New until their faces were less than an inch apart. “What does it make you feel, Hin?” He asked quietly, snaking an arm slowly around New’s waist and resting his forehead against his. New’s eyes closed and for one split second he felt like he could finally be open and tell Tay all the insane emotions he made him feel all at once. Maybe he was finally brave enough now, standing atop the world with the one person who he realized he cared about most, to express those feelings that he wanted to keep hidden for as long as possible.

He looked up and stared directly into Tay’s eyes and what he saw in them he would never forget. It was love, New would realize three years later. An emotion he had never seen in anyone’s eyes for him, just him. And it scared him to his very core.

New then stepped away slowly from Tay before he could say anything else and took out his phone, angling it for the best lighting so he could take a selfie. He felt Tay’s eyes on him the whole time as he posed for the picture.

Now, staring at that picture three years later, New wished he had said so much more to Tay in that moment. Tay had poured his heart out to him and New, in his awkwardness and inability to process his own emotions let alone others’, had only managed to take a picture. Still, New himself had expressed more that day than on many others. It was true that Tay saying such things made him happy, deep down inside. He hated admitting it out loud. And he knew that Tay knew this as well. Just like he knew that Tay valued what New had said to him that day too. Even showing that small moment of vulnerability was a big deal for New.

He looked back down at his phone and tapped the “Archive” button on that picture to remove it from public viewing on his Instagram. One small moment of weakness late at night had already caused too much of a ruckus.

**************************************************************************************************

New stood in front of the entrance to the mall waiting for Off, knowing full and well Off would bring Tay. After the stunt he pulled last night, New would be stupid to think Off wouldn’t try it again. But he also knew that he couldn’t keep running. 

Well not this time, anyway. He’d reserve the running (again) for a later time. For now, he had come back to Bangkok to settle down and find peace and quiet and he was determined to do just that. 

He gazed around the familiar mall, noting that not much had changed in the last three years and once again finding a strange sense of comfort in the familiarity. It was as if piece by piece, layer by layer, being back in his hometown was chipping away at the wall New had forcefully built around himself over the last three years. 

He looked out at the parking lot and saw Off walking up to him, followed closely by, of course, Tay.

Today Tay was wearing his casual jeans, Converse sneakers and white button down shirt with the sleeves rolled up to his elbows, the chain around his neck catching the sunlight occasionally and sparkling, his wrists still adorned with his usual bracelets. 

Except…….he had added one more that he definitely hadn’t been wearing last night. New tilted his head just a little and squinted his eyes as Tay stepped closer to see that he was wearing his piece of the matching bracelets the two of them had bought together in Hong Kong just before New left Bangkok years ago.

He took a deep breathe discreetly through his nose and forced a nonchalant and completely unaffected look on his face. Unfortunately, this facade of appearing to be unaffected while inside him a war was constantly raging was beginning to become more difficult with each passing day. He knew he couldn’t keep pretending he was perfectly fine forever. Eventually he would lose this war.

He sighed. It was going to be a long day. 

“Hey New, hope you don’t mind that I invited Tay along as well.” Off said matter of factly as he breezed past him and marched straight towards the mall entrance in his usual confident demeanor. “He was free today so I figured I’d make it a day for the three of us to catch up.” He stopped abruptly and turned around, smiling. “Like old times.”

New forced a tight smile to his lips as he nodded and said “great thinking!”

Off’s smile widened. “I knew you’d agree.”

****************************************************************************************************

The three of them sat around an empty table in the food court, their shopping bags sitting atop the empty chairs around them.

“Let’s grab something to eat?” Tay suggested.

“Sounds good to me. I’m starving and you know I can’t go without food too long, it upsets me deeply.” Off said in his typical exaggerated voice. 

“And here I thought I was the one who loved food the most.” New muttered, smiling in spite of himself.

“No you just loved yourself the most.” Tay responded, a tight smile on his face as he rested his gaze upon New.

Off’s jaw dropped. New visibly flinched, the smile on his face disappearing in an instant.

“So, pork or chicken?” Tay asked lightly as if nothing had happened.

“I can’t stay.” New said abruptly, getting up from his seat. 

“Oh?” Tay looked up at him slowly, quirking one eyebrow as he leaned back against his chair.

“I’ve got lunch plans with a longtime friend.” New said quickly, knowing full well he had absolutely zero plans for the rest of the day.

Tay smiled slowly. “That’s great that you’ve still got friends.” 

Off’s head bounced from left to right, stuck in between his two best friends’ uncharacteristically cold bickering. 

“Yeah well, some people still value friendship above other…………….relationships.” New said quietly.

“Is that so?” Tay quipped, still in that infuriatingly light and casual tone that was slowly making New’s blood boil. He was trying so very hard to keep the anger in check because he knew Tay was purposely pushing him. But even Tay didn’t know how well New had perfected the craft of keeping his emotions at bay.

“Yeah. It’s great because while other relationships eventually die, at least we’ll always have friends to rely on.” New responded evenly, tilting the corners of his mouth in a tight, cold smile.

Tay laughed, getting up from his seat. “Great. Does this friend have a name?” He asked curiously, turning to Off. “Off and I know all of your friends, I’m sure they wouldn’t mind us tagging along.”

Off’s eyes widened and he suddenly got up too. “Actually, I just remembered I have to go……………..feed my dog.”

New squinted at Off, frowning as he said “when did you get a dog?” 

“Hmmmm,” he said, pretending to think carefully, “sometime between three years ago and now.” He deadpanned as he grabbed his bags and made his way out the food court. “You two enjoy!” He called back breezily.

New blinked rapidly, staring at Off’s retreating form and praying that this was some cruel joke. That Off would turn around and run back to them quickly, saying “just kidding!” Sadly, this was not the case. Off disappeared from sight and Tay and New were left standing alone in the food court.

New sighed, shoulders slumping as he turned to Tay. 

“You know there’s no friend.”

Tay snickered. “Of course not, we both know you’re incapable of maintaining relationships. How could you still have friends?”

New glared at him. Tay got off on bullying New, it was his guilty pleasure and New had absolutely no doubts that he was enjoying himself right at this very moment. But he wasn’t going to give him the satisfaction of engaging.

“Since I’m not meeting with anyone for lunch there’s no reason for you to tag along. So. Bye.” New said casually, grabbing his bags and digging in his pockets for his keys.

“Since this means you’re free now, we can finally spend some time together and, y’know, catch up.” Tay said, grabbing his bags as well and stepping aside to make room for New to walk. “Lead the way.”

New stared pointedly at him, nostrils flaring, cheeks turning a patchy red. Tay observed all of this with a small smile.

Finally, with a roll of his eyes and an annoyed huff, New walked ahead and shoved past Tay. “Suit yourself,” he called back, “my condo’s in shitty shape and there’s barely any room to sit but if you insist on dealing with that mess then follow me.”

Tay’s smiled turned to a full on grin. “I’ve always enjoyed dealing with your mess, New.”

New almost tripped at hearing his name come out of Tay’s mouth in THAT tone. It was soft, gentle and soothing, laced with a hint of longing, all at once. He stopped to regain his footing and turned to look at Tay, who was still smiling like the idiot that he was. 

It was this Tay that always infuriated New, always drove him crazy, always made him want to grab him and never let him go or run as far away as he possibly could. There was just always so much love in his eyes, reserved only for New. It made New feel special in ways he could never describe, never speak out loud, never put into existence and acknowledge because doing that would mean believing for one brief moment that there was someone in this world who loved him more than he loved himself.

How could Tay still have these feelings after the last three years? How could he still show them so openly? Where did this confidence come from? New thought he had successfully broken it and yet here Tay stood, more resolute than ever. Meanwhile, New was breaking piece by piece every passing minute. It was never the harshness of the world that bothered him. He was used to the cruelties of life, and even enjoyed it when life dealt him a difficult hand because a part of him thoroughly enjoyed simply wallowing in misery. 

Too much happiness was a troubling thing. The more difficulties he had, the more things New could focus on while refusing to deal with his own emotions.

But Tay always brought happiness with him wherever he went. And with New he only amplified it because New, for some inexplicable reason, was the one person who brought the most joy into Tay’s life. And this meant that Tay showered him with the utmost affection, and it was this, more than anything else, that would always wear New down. He could fight against the difficulties but he couldn’t fight against the love. 

“What,” New said quietly, shaking his head and staring credulously at Tay, “is wrong with you?”

Tay walked up to him and grabbed his elbow, leading them out the mall just like old times. “Best not to answer that here,” he said brightly, practically dragging New towards the parking lot. “You’ve already wasted enough time and honestly my patience is running very, VERY low right now so just get to the car.”

New’s eyes widened as he trailed after Tay, his words bringing back that same excitement that New had tried so fucking hard to keep dormant. And had succeeded! Except of course it would be Tay to bring it back - to bring that high back, to bring that insanity back, to bring back all the nerves and emotions. The tone he used to guide New, to dote on him, to tease him, to scold him, to show him how there was no one that would ever treat him the way Tay treated him. And when New really thought about it, THIS was why Tay was always so confident. Was New not back here again, trailing after Tay obediently as if the last three years had never happened? Was he not suddenly so excited at the prospect of being alone with him, of finally being able to feel warmth and compassion from someone else again? Was he not willingly allowing Tay to pull him wherever he wanted, just the idea of being in close proximity to him and basking in the warmth of his love enough to finally bring some semblance of peace to his life?

Even if it leads to nothing, maybe just for today he could let himself feel those emotions one more time. Maybe just for today he could be his true self again. 

He stopped abruptly, his heart suddenly beating faster, breath becoming slightly more labored, excitement coursing through his body once more after three long years.

“Tayyyyy.” He called out lightly, using the tone he used to use all those years ago, back when they were still fooling around in the blissful and maddening grey area between friends and lovers. 

Tay turned to look at New, pretending to be annoyed while his eyes sparkled with amusement. He no doubt noticed the way in which New dragged out his name, just the way he liked it. “What?” He snapped, crossing his arms.

New pointed to his left. “The car’s that way.”


	6. Chapter 6

New’s hands gripped the steering wheel tight as he tried hard not to panic. What was happening? How had he ended up with Tay in his car on the way back to his own condo?! He tried to take discreet breathes to calm himself down while feigning indifference towards Tay who was seated right next to him. 

Rummaging through his dashboard.

“Tayyyy!” New yelled, trying to focus on his driving while Tay went through his personal belongings as if he owned them. “What are you doing? Don’t touch THAT!”

Tay ignored him and kept digging through the stuff in his dashboard, even going so far as to grab tiny scrunched up sticky notes New had carelessly thrown in there. 

“Oh look, another phone number, from a…….….Marina? And,” Tay grabbed another small sticky note and unfolded it carefully, “this one’s from Eva.” He grinned. “Nice names.”

Finally New was able to stop the car at a red light and reach over to grab the notes from Tay’s hand, shoving them in the dashboard and slamming it shut.

“Stop going through my stuff.” He huffed as he sat back in his seat and closed his eyes. 

Despite his annoyance on the outside, and as much as it killed him to admit it, having Tay in his car again was the first thing in a long time that made New feel happy. No. Not just happy - pure, utter joy. While New really valued silence and solitude in his life, Tay was the one person who seemed to constantly disrupt it and New willingly let him. There was always something about the way Tay barged into his life every day, every hour, every minute, that made New slowly WANT him to come closer. And eventually it was like New NEEDED him closer, in every way. And now with Tay finally back in his car again, it felt like a weight had been lifted off his shoulders and he could breathe easily once more. He didn’t need to be in control all day everyday, didn’t need to worry about every little thing in his life, every tiny detail, every decision that needed to be made, every minor hurdle that he needed to cross. 

If Tay was around, New didn’t need to worry at all. 

If Tay was around, there would always be someone looking out for New first.

“If you fall asleep at the wheel I’m suing you for negligence.” Tay’s voice brought New out of his thoughts and back to reality. 

The reality that Tay was still very much in his car and they had arrived at New’s place somehow, with New zoning in and out of his own internal ramblings.

“As always you worry too much,” New said lightly, stepping out of the car and walking up to the main entrance of the building, “I’ve always got everything under control.”

Tay rolled his eyes and stepped inside the building.

New lead the way to his condo and unlocked the door, Tay stepping in behind him. Yet again it felt strange to have Tay invading his space. The condo that had once housed both of them so comfortably now felt strange with Tay stepping foot inside after three long years. New was acutely aware of how a moment that seems so trivial on the outside could hold so much meaning on the inside. To New, having Tay back in his condo meant letting him back into his life. And he knew Tay knew that too. It’s possible this was what Tay had wanted all along. But New would be lying if he didn’t expect the day to end like this. He knew the moment Off had invited him to the mall, that it would end with he and Tay alone, somehow, somewhere. 

And maybe this was what New had wanted all along too, except he would always be too scared to voice it out loud and make it happen. But this was not something Tay struggled with at all. Clearly.

He was about to say something mundane just to break the tension when Tay abruptly said “this place feels so empty.” He began slowly pacing around the boxes on the floor and looking around the walls and corners. “Then again, I guess that’s what happens when the person living here is empty as well.”

“If I’m so empty and this place is so empty then why are you here?” New asked sharply, trying desperately to keep his tone even but clearly losing that battle. 

“Because,” Tay said nonchalantly, dumping his bag on the floor and sitting down on the white couch in New’s living room, arms spread out atop the back of the couch, legs stretched out open in front of him, “I know you need me.” 

New scoffed. “Bullshit. I don’t need you in my life. When have I ev-“

“To help you unpack all these boxes.” Tay finished, the corners of his mouth twitching in a smile that he was clearly trying to hide.

New opened his mouth to say something, then closed it. Then opened it again, and closed it again.

“But first, you need to feed me. You said you were going to eat with a nonexistent friend but,” Tay got up from the couch and walked up to New, “now I’m here and I’m hungry.” His eyes darkened a little as he stared directly at New and asked “what will you feed me?” 

New’s eyes widened, his heart beating just a little faster as he was unable to hide the smile that was slowly forming on his lips. “Do you want a meal or dessert?” He asked quietly.

Tay stepped closer and pretended to think for a few seconds. “What tastes better?”

New stepped closer as well, effectively closing the remaining distance between them until their noses were practically touching. “Let me show you.” He leaned in slowly and closed the distance between their lips, placing a soft, gentle kiss, but letting it linger. He put his hands cautiously on Tay’s waist, sliding them up over his chest ever so slowly, his thumb grazing Tay’s nipples. 

Suddenly Tay deepened the kiss by placing his hand around the back of New’s head and pulling it back harshly, making an angle for Tay to slide his tongue in. He let it graze every part of New’s mouth very slowly, his other hand tightening around New’s waist until their bodies were so pressed into each other’s that they were practically one. New sighed in satisfaction and reached out to place his arms around Tay’s neck when Tay suddenly broke the kiss, their mouths making a small “pop” when they finally separated. 

Neither moved to let go of the other, the sound of their now heavy breaths the only thing breaking the deafening silence.

New hadn’t expected it to feel THAT good. Three years of being away, of fooling around with other people, and still the only person that tasted even remotely appealing to him was Tay. His scent, his body, his mouth, his tongue, his breath. No one else would ever compare. New had suddenly kissed Tay on a whim just now, tired of the pent up frustration and needing to see if Tay felt it too. Which was a stupid question, in retrospect. Of course Tay felt it too! When did Tay NOT feel tense around New? But now, unfortunately, New wanted more. He didn’t know what overcame him but it was as if being away for three years and suddenly coming face to face with Tay’s presence had forced him to abandon any sense of shame. The only thing he knew right now was that that kiss had to continue down whatever dark path it was leading them.

He bit his bottom lip, knowing exactly what kind of reaction he wanted to get from Tay from this one single act. And, for a brief second, it worked. Tay immediately inhaled a deep breathe at the sight of New’s plump lip being crushed under his teeth, closing his eyes as if praying for the little self control he always had when it came to New. New thoroughly enjoyed his entire reaction, loving the feeling of finally winning one small battle. He knew Tay would cave and continue with what they were about to do.

He confidently reached out again to put his hands around Tay’s neck and pull him closer but Tay opened his eyes and pulled back, removing his hand from New’s waist and walking backwards slowly. 

New stared at Tay in surprise, then smiled sadly. He knew what they were doing was wrong, reckless and incredibly stupid. They had spent three years away from each other, leading separate lives, growing and evolving into new people. Plus, he had ran away. And he knew that it was selfish of him to try to pull Tay back to him when he had done everything to push him away and even succeeded. But this was the only thing New knew how to do. This was the only way New wanted to show affection and have affection shown on him. He liked it this insane, this fucked up, this terrible, because it meant that there would be no happy endings. And New was never hoping for a happy ending because to hope for a happy ending meant you had to have faith in other people and this was something he never wanted to do. 

But he also knew Tay, of all people in his life, deserved better. He deserved New’s love, New’s hope, New’s happiness, honesty, and loyalty. He deserved to see it all because HE was the one who had brought it out in New to begin with. Before meeting Tay, New was a shell of a human being. He lived his life in isolation and solitude and never wanted to establish relationships with anyone else. After meeting Tay it was as if he saw something in New that no one else did and he insisted on bringing it out so others could see it too. And somewhere in that process, Tay fell in love with him. And somewhere after that, so did New. So New tried running away, forcing Tay to hate him, but clearly it didn’t work. It never did. Actually, it suddenly occurred to New that it probably never WOULD. 

Because it wasn’t just Tay that would never let him go. It was also New who would keep coming back.

“What happened Tay? Did I do something wrong? Was dessert not good?” New asked innocently, opening his eyes wide and frowning slightly.

Tay stopped moving and stared at New with a steely gaze. “It was fine. Just didn’t taste the best after all these years.” He said in the same nonchalant attitude as before. “Maybe it just got stale.”

Perhaps it was the close proximity of Tay, or his careless attitude as he threw the harsh words directly at New, or the fact that he was in New’s condo, under his roof, being so cruel to him, but New finally snapped. He knew this was what Tay wanted all along but he truthfully just did not care anymore. What was the point in holding back now, anyway? New had thought they could keep it civil, maybe even get along as acquaintances who occasionally saw each other but were always courteous. Clearly that was not what Tay wanted. Then New thought he could simply ignore him, run away again or pretend as if it didn’t bother him at all. But Tay insisted on goading him inch by inch, slowly cutting him until the pain got to be too much and eventually New would break. 

“Why won’t you yell at me, Tay?” He said in exasperation. “I’ve been gone for THREE years and I just came back all of a sudden! You should be ignoring me, living your life and having fun and not being dragged down by this mess!” He ran his hands through his hair in frustration, then dragged them over his face as he paced the middle of the living room. 

“Why won’t you move on already?” He finally whispered, the barely audible words still somehow conveying all the desperation that he had kept bottled in for three long years. “Please.”

“Because I know that’s exactly what you want, New.” Tay glared at him as he stepped up to him, towering over his slumped and defeated figure. “You WANT me to be upset and yell and lash out at you so that you can somehow justify shutting me out again.” He brought his face down so that it crowded around New’s, their foreheads less than an inch apart. The proximity forced New to look anywhere but at Tay. Tay refused to budge until New finally looked up at him. 

“I’m done giving you what you want, New.” Tay said firmly, staring daggers at New. “Now I’m going to give you what you NEED.”

“And what do I need?” New snapped back, anger and agitation forcing him to stand up straighter, his fists clenched and his face turning red.

“Love.” Tay answered simply. “You have everything else in the world, and you could buy whatever else you lack, materially. But you’ll never find love, New.” Tay said, lowering his voice and using a slightly gentler, softer tone. The look on New’s face was slowly weakening his own resolve. He could never be as harsh with New as he wanted to be, when New always did his worst to him. But he also knew that being harsh right now would only trigger New further, and what Tay really wanted was to throw him off balance just enough to make him open up a little more, if only for a moment.

“And let’s be honest New,” he continued in a deliberately careless tone, “love’s the one thing you keep searching for when you run away. But you and I both know you won’t find it away from me.”

New’s jaw dropped as he stepped back, desperately trying to force some distance between them so that he could take a second to process what Tay had just said. Clearly Tay wasn’t going to give up that easily. Would there be any battle in this war that New would ever win? Tay’s words had shook him to his core yet again. Now that he thought about it, could New ever find love away from Tay? Did he even want to find love away from him? He kept running whenever things got too serious, whenever Tay threatened to get so close that New felt like he couldn’t live without him. Depending on other people and constantly needing them in his life was something New avoided at all costs. He himself would always be anything and everything he ever needed in his life. 

But why then did the thought of running away from Tay again seem less appealing all of a sudden? 

He shook his head and walked towards the white couch to sit. To his surprise, this time when he sat on it all the memories came back again, but they didn’t overwhelm him like they had before, didn’t force him to jump up and run away. They provided comfort and warmth, and maybe even a small ray of hope.

He looked up at Tay and patted the spot next to him. “Sit. I’ll order in some food. We’ve got all night to open these boxes and like you said. I. Need. You.”

Tay squinted his eyes at New, the gears in his head clearly trying to make sense of what was happening. It was obvious to him that New was trying to gain the upper hand in this mind game the two had going on. But he wasn’t going to let New win again. Not now, not ever. Because letting New win meant he’d get cocky and secure and complacent, and that meant he’d probably run away again, knowing Tay would sit here waiting for him one more time. 

But Tay had other plans. He wasn’t going to let New win this time because he wanted to make sure New knew there would BE no “next time”. Because he wasn’t letting him run away ever again.

He sat down next to him, spreading his legs wide and leaving not a single inch of space between their bodies, their sides melding into one, shoulders and legs adjoined to each other’s. He placed a hand casually on New’s perfectly toned thigh, squeezing slightly and relishing the feel of the slight jump his body made at the sudden unexpected contact. New looked up at him with a look of surprise and slight panic. Tay’s eyes roamed all of his beautiful features, taking them all in and committing them to memory. He smirked, knowing that as much as New tried to act cool and confident, the New he saw right now was not the New from three years ago. This New only had a hardened shell on the outside but on the inside he was even more vulnerable than before. Tay had noticed this the moment he saw how New panicked at the sight of him and ran out the coffee shop last night. In that moment, all Tay had seen was someone broken, someone putting on a facade of strength when deep down inside they were scared that someone else would see right through them and break past their barrier. 

And Tay would be lying if he said a small part of him didn’t want to take advantage of the moment and show New that this spot right here, by Tay’s side, is where he belonged forever. This spot right here would give him everything he needed and anything he wanted.

He leaned into’s New’s body casually and pointed to a box on his other side. “Hand me that one, it looks like the perfect place to start.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> have you become as insane as i have after reading this? let me know --> Twitter: @confusedpolca


	7. Chapter 7

“Tayyyy!” New panted. “I can’t. I just can’t anymore!”

“New we barely started, how are you already tired?” Tay snapped in frustration.

“It’s too much!” New whined back.

“Do you want to take a break?” 

New looked at all the boxes still left to unpack. They’d only been unpacking for an hour before he realized he was hungry again and tired of tearing open box after box.

“Yes! Pleaaaaase.” He said dramatically, throwing the box he had in his hands back on the floor and flopping onto the couch, resting his head against the back and closing his eyes.

Tay sighed and got up from the floor, shoving aside one of the dozens of boxes he had been sitting in between for the last hour. He really hadn’t expected his day to end like this, with him on the floor of New’s condo unpacking all of his stuff. He still couldn’t believe he was around New again after three long years, listening to the changes in his voice when he got anxious, shy, mad, worried, panicked and, on rare occasions, happy. Taking in the warmth of his body and smelling the scent that was 100% only his. 

He loved every second of it. 

Tay stood over New’s slumped figure on the couch, head tilted to the side, a small smile inevitably curving around his mouth. New still looked absolutely perfect when he was asleep, his perfect mouth finally shut and not whining or complaining or nagging or teasing, his sparkling eyes for once not distracting Tay endlessly, the moles on his face more prominent than ever now that his face stood still under the light. Everything about him was exactly how Tay had remembered it. 

He leaned down closer and reached out a hand cautiously, placing it atop New’s shoulder and shaking him gently.

“Hey, you hungry?”

New opened his eyes slowly, mouth forming the familiar pout that Tay both loved and hated. “How did you know I was hungry?” He asked quietly.

Tay rolled his eyes. “Well you only ever whine and dramatically lay down like that when you’re hungry so it really wasn’t that hard.”

New grinned and wiggled his eyebrows. “Oooh, you remember such small details about me?” He teased.

Tay’s hand tightened on New’s shoulder, the smile dropping from his face in an instant. “I remember everything about you.”

New’s eyes widened, mouth slowly forming a small “O”. He locked eyes with Tay and put his hand atop Tay’s on his shoulder, squeezing gently. “Don’t hold on so tight to memories, Tay,” he said softly, removing Tay’s hand from his shoulder and holding onto it tightly with both of his, “some are good, some are bad, and some are torturous. The past is the past and there’s nothing we can do about it.”

Tay squatted down until he was eye level with New. “We can’t escape our own memories, New, just like we can’t escape our past.” He pulled his hand out of New’s and placed it on the side of his thigh, rubbing it softly. “Just look at you. Here you are, running back to your past.”

New scowled and pushed him away roughly, the sound of Tay’s evil laugh ringing in his ears as he made his way to the kitchen.

Cursing Tay under his breath, he searched through the pantry for a box of disgusting sugar free cookies he knew he had picked up earlier in the day. He hated limiting his sugar intake but three years as a model had taught him how to keep his body in tight shape, so at least there was one good thing to come out of his time away. He teared open the bag of cookies and shoved a handful into his mouth.

Tay was so infuriating! Of course he would relish the fact that New was back here again, with him, falling back into their same routine as if he hadn’t ran off and ignored Tay for three years. It wasn’t a dig on Tay’s pride, it was a dig on New’s, because it was New who had cut off communication with Tay and yet here he was, allowing Tay back into his life, practically melting into his arms every chance he got. He was absolutely positive that if Tay didn’t stop them from going too far they would’ve definitely had sex by now.

Fuck! Was New really this easy when it came to Tay?

He shook his head, almost choking on the cookie crumbs in his mouth. 

“Get it together New!” He muttered to himself, gulping down some water and taking deep breathes. 

“Why are you talking to yourself?” Tay asked from directly behind him.

New yelped and turned around abruptly, bag of cookies almost toppling to the floor if he hadn’t grabbed onto them for dear life.

“What are you doing in here?” New exclaimed.

Tay rolled his eyes and reached for the bag of cookies. “I came to check on you since you were taking forever.” 

“These are my cookies, I don’t want to share.” He whined, still bitter about Tay’s “back to your past” comment. Tay tried to grab the bag from him but he held them out of reach.

“Just give them to me, I only want a few, you know I don’t even like cookies that much!” He snapped, stepping forward to try to grab New’s arm.

“Then why do you even want them?” New asked, suddenly enjoying the sight of Tay begging.

Tay stopped reaching for the bag and this time reached for New’s waist, yanking him close. “Sometimes we end up wanting things we initially never liked.” He said matter of factly, reaching for the bag of cookies in New’s hand, arm still around his waist. “There’s an appeal to wanting something we thought we’d never want.”

New was now mesmerized by Tay’s face, barely registering his words as Tay slowly took the bag out of his hand. He stared at Tay’s mouth, his body feeling nothing but the spot where Tay’s arm held his waist.

Tay noticed New’s sudden stillness and smiled, moving the hand around his waist further down and squeezing New’s ass in a tight grip.

“Mmph,” New exclaimed, closing his eyes and resting his forehead against Tay’s shoulder, the feel of his hand on his ass lighting every nerve in his body and definitely making his dick twitch a little. 

Tay felt New’s heartbeat against his chest, thoroughly enjoying the feel of his head resting against his shoulder, his arms slowly going around Tay’s waist. 

Tay squeezed again and New whined and hissed. He then abruptly gave New’s ass a solid smack. 

“Ahh!” New exclaimed quietly, sliding his face right into the crook of Tay’s neck, grumbling curse words at him for the second time that night. He could feel his face turning red. Every part of him came alive after Tay smacked his ass, and he absolutely hated the fact that he loved it so much.

Tay’s body was now shaking with silent laughter. 

“It’s not funny.” New mumbled into his neck.

“It really is though.” Tay whispered into New’s ear before finally letting him go and moving to walk out of the kitchen.

New smacked his lips and sighed. Great. Now his ass was on fire, his dick had woken up, and his cookies were gone.

He was definitely losing this battle.

******************************************************************************************

“Since when did you do sugar free?” Tay asked, handing the bag of cookies over to New who was seated a few inches away from him on the couch.

New grabbed the remote for the TV and turned the volume lower on the show they had been watching as they continued their now hour long break from unpacking.

“When I first picked up modeling.” He grumbled unhappily, grabbing the bag from Tay’s hand and scooting closer to him until there was no longer any space between them. He didn’t know why all of a sudden he hated any physical distance between them but every time Tay scooted further away he got irritated and kept closing the distance. It was as if his body, having finally gotten some of that familiar taste it loved so much, refused to let it go again.

Tay raised his eyebrows slightly as he peered over at New.

“What was modeling like?” He asked, smiling slightly as New slowly rested his head on Tay’s shoulder.

“It was fun, at first.” He laughed. “I liked all the attention, the cameras, the millions of people saying how beautiful I am.”

Tay rolled his eyes. “A dream come true for you, I’m sure.” 

“It was!” New said excitedly. “The best part was that I was doing it on my own.” His voice got quieter as he snuggled into Tay’s side, the corner of his body now sliding behind Tay’s. “It………sounds bad to say this but…….I liked the freedom. The independence. I liked that this was something I did on my own. The success I achieved……..I got it off of my own talent alone.”

He was afraid that Tay would would be upset by what he just said. It could come across as mean, as if New liked being away from Tay, as if Tay was tying him down. But New tried his best to explain that this was simply not the case.

“It’s not that I felt suffocated here,” he rushed to continue, “but that I felt better on my own when it was just me that I had to look out for and rely on.”

“No,” Tay said suddenly, closing his eyes briefly and taking a deep breath, “I………I think I get it.” 

New sat up straight and turned his whole body to look at him now, completely shocked by what he had just said. “You do?”

Tay sighed and turned to face New. “Yeah, I think so. Maybe………things just got too confusing between us. We lost sight of who were and who we wanted to be.”

“I don’t think we even knew at that time WHAT we wanted to be.” New laughed bitterly, the memories of their time together three years ago flashing before his eyes. The random make-out sessions in the car, the sudden quickies in closets, bathrooms, or wherever they could get it in before work, their crazy schedules never allowing them time to do things that normal couples did like go out on dates or even frequently spend nights together. Either Tay was away filming for one of his thirty different TV shows or New was busy working on his coursework or filming a movie (sometimes both). And in the middle of all of this insanity, they had never truly sat down and talked about what their relationship had become. They had just suddenly gone from friends for seven long years to something else. Something more, something that neither could define. Or wanted to.

Except Tay HAD wanted to define it. And that, of course, was when New ran.

The memory came rushing back to him and New visibly flinched.

“What’s wrong?” Tay asked, placing a hand on his knee in concern.

“Nothing, I just……...”

New looked at Tay, dozens of emotions squeezing at his heart, a million thoughts rushing through his mind. Now was the moment to tell Tay everything he should have said all those years ago. Now was the moment to explain to him why he did what he did, why he felt like what he did wasn’t wrong because at the time it was right for HIM. 

This was it.

“I think……..I………we……..”

Tay’s hand started rubbing New’s knee gently. “What is it?”

Suddenly New could focus on nothing but Tay’s hand on his knee and how it felt like warmth was seeping from that one spot throughout his whole body. It’s entirely possible, New thought, that he was using their physical nearness as a distraction from closing the emotional disconnect that now separated them. But right now he just knew that this tension between them had to end because it was causing him to think of nothing else but the urgent need for his body to touch Tay’s in as many ways as possible. And, perhaps naively, he thought that if they reconnected physically first it would make reconnecting emotionally that much easier. It was a coward’s way to repent for how cruel he had been, in retrospect, but New was becoming desperate at this point.

He placed his hand atop Tay’s on his knee, then slowly slid it up his arm, never breaking eye contact with him. Tay raised his eyebrows slightly, his breath hitching just a little as New’s hand came up to his shoulder then slowly crept to the collar of his shirt, sliding in and gently caressing his collar bone and moving back up to his Adam’s apple.

New held his hand there for a fraction of a second, pausing to gauge Tay’s reaction. He bit down on his bottom lip slowly. Tay’s eyes moved down to New’s lips and stayed there as New held his lip in place under his teeth. Tay’s hand began moving of its own accord, reaching out to touch New’s lip, caressing it slowly and moving down to grasp his jaw firmly between his index finger and thumb. He squeezed. Hard.

“Mmmph.” New moaned in satisfaction. Yet again he was torn inside at how much he was enjoying this. He knew this was what he wanted but that didn’t make coming to terms with how much he liked it any easier.

Tay leaned in until he was situated between New’s legs. 

“What.” He demanded sharply. “What is it New? What do you want?”

New looked up at him, hand still on Tay’s Adam’s apple. He slowly slid it down and began to unbutton Tay’s shirt, shoving it away to reveal the chest he had missed to much. He took one look at it and was unable to suppress the whine that came out. He slid his hands slowly over Tay’s chest, resting them briefly on his pecks and squeezing slightly.

Tay’s grip on New’s jaw hardened and New closed his eyes, relishing the delicious feel of their slow, deliberate movements - Tay’s hand providing the pain and New’s hands providing the pleasure. The hot and cold was always what New loved best about their relationship.

“Fuck.” Tay exclaimed, yanking New’s jaw forward and finally shoving their lips together, crushing New’s plump lips with his own. 

New’s hands immediately went around Tay’s neck, his thighs circling Tay’s waist and squeezing so as to lock him in place. Tay dragged his hands to New’s hair, running them through the soft strands before yanking, the sound of New’s moan like music to his ears. He kissed all the way down New’s neck, stopping in the crevice of where his neck and shoulder met and sucking harshly.

“Ahhh!” New let out a soft whimper.

Tay slid his hands down New’s body to his crotch, palming it as he kissed New’s plump lips again and again, sucking on them briefly before biting down on his lower one.

“Ah, Tayyy!” New cried out, the pain from the bite coinciding with the pleasure Tay’s hand was providing on his dick in a slow rhythm.

New closed his eyes, unable to think straight. No one else could ever provide him THIS type of satisfaction. He suddenly remembered how the intensity of when they used to make love was enough to drive New crazy for days. It was simultaneously sweet and soft yet rough and hard. There would be times when both would be left with insane marks on their bodies, loving the sight of them whenever one would see his handiwork on the other’s body.

Tay’s hand now moved from New’s dick to his ass, grabbing and squeezing firmly before smacking it as he simultaneously thrust his groin into New’s crotch.

“Ahh shiiiiii-” New breathed out, barely able to form coherent words at this point. 

Tay smacked his ass one more time before biting down on New’s collarbone.

“Mmmmm,” New moaned out, his body now reeling from the assault on his ass, his lips, his dick and his collarbone at the same time. 

“Fuck, Tay!” He cried out, almost about to come.

All of a sudden Tay let go of his ass and pulled his body away. 

“What!” New opened his eyes suddenly, breathing ragged, voice in utter despair. “No, no Tay please, NO!” He clenched his thighs around Tay’s waist to hold him in place, refusing to let his warmth leave from between his legs. Tay groaned and pinched New’s thigh, warning him to let go immediately. New winced but held on firmly, eyes challenging Tay to try backing out now.

Tay raised an eyebrow and smacked the area on New’s thigh that he had just pinched.

“Ahhh! Damn it Tay!” New cried out as he unclenched his thighs and rubbed the spot Tay had just smacked.

Tay slipped away from between New’s legs and sat back on the other side of the couch, shirt unbuttoned, breathing heavy, staring at New’s despair in complete contentment. New was a mess! His hair was disheveled, his shirt rode up to reveal his now flushed torso, his face a beautiful crimson, the spot on his collarbone where Tay had bit down already turning a patchy red. 

Tay began buttoning his shirt up slowly. There was no way in hell he would give New what he wanted so soon. Even if he had to wait here all night (which he frankly did not mind one bit), he would pull and tug and yank the truth out of New one way or another. He could tell New was wavering. Sooner or later he would inevitably cave and say that he wanted Tay back in his life, that he wanted them to get back together again.

But this time it would be on Tay’s terms, not New’s. This time there would be no special “allowance” for New to run away whenever he wanted. New would learn the hard way that Tay wasn’t looking for quickies or random make out sessions anymore. He wanted the one thing New was always terrified to give - commitment. 

“So, you started to enjoy modeling but then something happened, right? I mean, you agreed to come back. Why’d you come back?” He asked calmly.

New stared at him, not sure if he wanted to punch him in the face or grab him and shove his dick back where it had been less than a minute ago. He closed his eyes and leaned his head back. 

They were better off just unpacking the boxes.


	8. Chapter 8

“It’s Ma-ree-NA, not Maria. A completely different name.” New said for the hundredth time, grabbing another box on the floor beside him and cutting the top open.

“Okay, okay. Mareena. Got it. And the other one? Or, ones?” Tay hurriedly asked, reaching for the books New handed him and placing them on the shelf against the wall in the living room.

They had been unpacking for three hours now and were surprisingly almost done. New was now seated on the floor of the living room, grabbing the remaining small items from the boxes and handing them to Tay who was placing them around the living room.

“Be careful with that book!” New said hurriedly, frowning as Tay almost tripped over his own feet walking to the bookshelf.

“I can walk and talk at the same time New!” Tay snapped, walking back to him and stubbing his toe on the leg of the table in the process.

New snickered openly as he grabbed more items from the box, digging through it and finding all the useless trash he had stupidly packed instead of throwing away before leaving. 

“What was the name of the other one, New!” Tay’s voice got louder as he asked, for the fourth time that night, about the names of the various people New had slept with over the last three years.

New sighed. “Tay, it’s really not as long of a list as you think. And besides,” he handed him the final few items to be placed in the living room bookshelf and got up from the floor, “they’re in the past. Like, LONG in the past. They were random late night hookups I had when I first started traveling.”

He watched Tay frown as he placed the items in the bookshelf. 

“Back when I thought that I could find fulfillment through casual flings.” New said softly, grabbing Tay’s elbow as he passed by him to pick up the empty box on the floor. Tay turned abruptly to face New, eyebrows going up, a surprised look on his face. “I realized pretty quickly that random one night stands weren’t really my thing, Tay. I needed more.”

Tay stepped closer to him, placing his hand gently on New’s and removing it from his elbow. “Did you figure out what you need, then?” He asked calmly.

New looked up at him and frowned. “I know what I need right now…..”

Tay sighed and turned away from him, heading towards the kitchen. “You never answered my other question, New.” He called over his shoulder. “Why did you come back?”

New heard the sound of water being poured into a glass. He rolled his eyes, slowly getting more and more frustrated with Tay. They had been holed up in New’s condo for the last few hours now, and while they’d finally finished unpacking the boxes, New was still unable to find relief from the physical and emotional tension that stifled them every second. Being around Tay for this long immediately after being away from him for three years was a lot to take in! He was surprised he hadn’t just given up and shoved Tay out of his home, curled up into a ball on his bed and crashed. Something about their push and pull kept him going. He knew Tay was still here for a reason. He knew that the fact that both were still here, together, slowly sorting through their past, meant that somewhere underneath all the mess they had made there was a small ray of hope for the future. And perhaps it was this small ray of hope that New was suddenly clinging on to desperately.

Why? He didn’t know. But he was drawn to it, because for the first time in three years he felt like that small ray of hope may finally be the one thing he had been looking for in his troubled life.

He looked up to see Tay walking out of the kitchen, heading towards the couch. 

“I missed you.”

Tay stopped midway from sitting down on the couch and stared at New. “What?”

“I……….” New’s hands started tugging at the bottom of his shirt, eyebrows furrowing, mouth forming a familiar frown as he looked down, to his left, to his right, anywhere but directly at Tay. Taking deep, shaky breaths he finally said “I think deep down inside I came back because I couldn’t take the loneliness anymore.”

He slowly, carefully, finally turned his head to face Tay, looking him directly in the eyes. 

Was that pity? Sympathy? Anger? Surprise? Shock? What was THAT look on Tay’s face?! New could feel himself start to panic. He closed his eyes to regain focus, then opened them slowly to see Tay walking towards him.

“Wait!” He put up his hands to stop him and backed away.

“New, what’s wrong?” Tay asked, concern etched over his face.

“I need to get this out.” New said firmly. He had to spit it out now otherwise he knew he’d never say it. It was literally now or never. There would probably never be a better time than now to tell Tay everything he had been feeling for so long.

“When I left you, I was in a bad place, mentally. I couldn’t handle being in a relationship, let alone being loved by anyone else, let alone being loved SO deeply by the one person I cared about most in this world.” He looked at Tay, desperation and panic dripping from his voice. “I need you to understand that it was never about you, it was about ME. My insecurities, my worries, my hesitations, my fears.”

Tay maintained an unreadable expression, eyebrows scrunched together, mouth in a thin line, eyes never leaving New for a second.

New continued to fumble with the bottom of his shirt but, much to his surprise, he never broke eye contact with Tay. He suddenly felt proud at how he had finally opened the wall that he had built and was slowly allowing Tay to see the demons that haunted him every single day of his life.

“I couldn’t do it.” He whispered, voice cracking a little. “I couldn’t do it to you, couldn’t do it to me, couldn’t do it to US. I knew it wasn’t the right time but I also knew you wouldn’t listen, so I ran. And I know it was a risky thing to do, I know it hurt you but…………..I don’t regret it.” He said firmly, nodding his head in affirmation, a look of defiance on his face.

Tay stood still as he continued to watch New, his hands shoved into his pockets so that he could curl them into fists and New wouldn’t see how difficult it was for him not to rush over and comfort him this very moment. All he wanted to do was grab him and protect him from whatever had caused him this much distress. He had felt for a long time now that New struggled with things internally, things that he could never voice but were clear as day when he looked into his eyes. And it frustrated Tay immensely that this was the one pain he could not take away from New no matter how much he tried.

“I came back because I thought I was strong enough to avoid you. I fully planned on avoiding you but………..shit,” New sighed, shoulders slumping, “the second I saw you in that coffee shop I knew I had already lost.”

Tay’s eyebrows shot up. “Oh?” He said.

New shook his head and looked away, eyes becoming distant. “The years apart kinda backfired on me,” he said bitterly. “I ended up realizing I needed you more than ever.”

“Then why didn’t you call, New? Why didn’t you MESSAGE? Why didn’t you just let me know you NEEDED me?” Tay burst out in frustration, hands running through his already disheveled hair. “I would’ve dropped anything and everything just to listen to you!” 

“I know.” New mumbled, now looking down and kicking at the floor. “I’m sorry.”

Tay’s eyes widened and his jaw dropped. “What?”

New looked up at him, feigning ignorance. “Hmm?”

“What did you just say?” 

“Did I say something? I can’t remember.”

“You just said you were sorry!” Tay said, now clearly getting worked up over New’s “dumb” act.

“Really? I did?” 

Tay rolled his eyes and shook his head, suddenly feeling exhausted with their mental games for the day. He had had enough! Waving his hand dismissively at New, he started collecting his bags so that he could finally be done with the night. “Whatever. I’m gonna call a cab and head out.”

New’s eyes widened in panic and he started talking louder and faster. “I said………I was sorry, and I……..did miss you all those years. I wanted to call you all the time. But, as more time passed I just couldn’t, okay?" He yelled, arms flailing wildly as he tried to explain his jumbled thoughts to Tay. "Maybe it became a matter of pride, I don’t know! I just kept hurting us in the process!” He began pacing the room, still fidgeting with the bottom of his shirt as he babbled on, finally feeling like the floodgates had opened and he could say all that he had wanted to say for so long. The long hours he spent with Tay today had drained him, and his resolve had loosened so far that he didn’t even know if it was possible for him to stop talking now. He had become the broken, vulnerable creature he had tried so hard to cage away. Except this time he didn't care if anyone saw him like this or not. He was just desperate to keep Tay here for as long as possible. He didn’t want to be alone. Or rather, he didn’t want to be away from Tay anymore.

He stormed up to Tay, who had now dropped his bags and was staring at New in shock. “I missed you so much!” New said aggressively, fully aware that no sane person would say that to someone they loved in such a heated way. He got really close to Tay’s face, their noses almost touching. Tay’s eyes were so bright! How had New never noticed how much love they held for him?

“I can’t believe I let three years go by to tell you how much you mean to me.” He said against Tay’s lips, eyes watering as he blinked hard to keep the tears at bay. He curled his hands into fists to stop the emotions that were threatening to spill over. “I can’t believe we wasted so much time. I don’t want to waste it anymore.”

He leaned in to kiss Tay but Tay put a hand on New’s chest to stop him, eyes clearly conveying that he was waiting for one more thing.

New sighed. “Yeah, of course I love you too, how is this even a question?”

Tay smiled and stretched the hand that was resting on New’s chest around his waist, pulling him in instantly for a kiss. Their mouths connected and for some strange, inexplicable reason, this time they both kept the kiss gentle. Both pairs of arms were wrapped around the other’s body, pushing them together so tightly there wasn’t even a sliver of distance between them. Neither one tried to deepen the kiss, initially. It remained feather light, and once they broke it they immediately kissed again, and again, and again, relishing the fact that they could finally do this one small act over and over, as much as they wanted. At a certain point they lost track of the dozens of small kisses they’d shared. Finally Tay bit at New’s bottom lip lightly and New opened his mouth to allow Tay to deepen the kiss just a little, Tay’s hands landing on New’s ass and giving the familiar squeeze New loved so much. New whined in turn and sighed into the kiss, arms tightening around Tay as if to lock him there for eternity.

Tay finally broke the kiss slowly, resting his forehead against New’s. He looked directly into New’s eyes and said “I can’t lose you. You can’t run again. Please,” he whispered, voice cracking a little as he blinked rapidly, “I can’t go through life without you anymore.”

New furrowed his brows and frowned. “I mean, that sounds kinda serious. We’re not getting married or anything, we’re just……..exploring this relationship.” 

Tay stared at New with an unreadable expression for a solid thirty second before extending his hand up to place his thumb on New’s plump bottom lip. There was already a fresh cut there from when Tay had bitten it just a few moments ago. 

“We can explore whatever you want New,” he said lightly, curving his thumb so that the edge of the nail began to dig into the cut on the lip. “We don’t even have to talk about the relationship at all, let alone marriage,” he continued, pressing the nail a little harder into the cut. New winced, sucking in a deep breath, desire suddenly clouding his eyes. He hated that he was getting so turned on by this. 

“But you,” Tay now pressed the edge of his thumb onto the cut with as much pressure as he could and New tried to move his bottom lip so that the thumb would get inside his mouth and he could finally taste Tay. “You will NOT run again.” He finished, looking into New’s eyes and nodding his head slowly. “Nod your head if you understand.”

New glared at Tay but contemplated his options, Tay’s thumb on his cut not letting him think clearly. Where would he run to, anyway? And could he even run again? It was a waste of time. He spent three years away only to come back a mess! And look where he was now - standing here with Tay’s thumb digging into his lip. He could run away a thousand times but he’d end up here, anyway.

Because this was home. This was peace. This was happiness. He finally let himself believe that he could get a happy ending. It had been within reach all along, he just had to accept it instead of running from it. 

Not everyone gets the ending they want, but we will always get the ending that’s best for us.

He smiled at Tay, nodding slowly and gently removing Tay’s hand from his lip. “I’m going to cling to you so hard,” he whispered, moving closer and resting his face in the crook of Tay’s neck, “you’re gonna wish I would run. I have so much time to make up for.” He mumbled against the sensitive spot on Tay’s neck.

Tay shivered and wrapped his hand around the back of New’s neck, squeezing gently. “Good, I look forward to you finally making up for how much you’ve tortured me. You can start by heading to the bedroom.”

New stood up straight and glared at him. “Don’t tell me what to do.” 

Tay raised his eyebrows and stared back at him, waiting for the inevitable.

New sighed and rolled his eyes, defeatedly heading to the bedroom, a small smile forming on his lips.

Tay smacked his ass as he passed by and New’s smile widened.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yes, the next chapter has smut.


	9. Chapter 9

New lay awake in bed that night staring out the window to his left. The time on his phone atop the nightstand read 4:18 AM. Tay was curled up next to him facing the opposite side, his heavy breathing clearly indicating he was fast asleep. The sky outside the window was that pitch black that only happens just before dawn, when the night is at its peak. The moon was a thin crescent. The sounds outside made it clear that Bangkok traffic never slept. Light rain drops hit the roof, making a gentle, comforting pitter patter as the lazy night dragged on.

He took a deep breath and watched as the rain started to pour through the sky. In the span of just one month he had traveled back to his home for the first time in three years and fallen right back into bed with the one person he swore he’d never get back with again. 

He didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. 

He thought about the last video call he had had with Tay before he shut off communication with him altogether. It was a random night, about a year after New had left Bangkok. Tay had been nagging him about when he would come home since the six month contract had ended months ago. New was trying to figure out how to tell Tay that he had, on a whim, signed an extension for two more years. He had, rather foolishly, assumed that Tay would be happy for him. That he’d somehow be okay with New suddenly extending their break on whatever their relationship was without even discussing with Tay first. But this, New now realized, was unfair to Tay. It was entirely possible that Tay WOULD have been okay with New being away a little longer had New simply discussed it with him beforehand. But New had kept his thought and emotions, worries and fears bottled in for so long, he never let Tay see that vulnerable side of him. Sure, Tay was there when New wanted to talk about his exes, his family, his work, his school, and all other aspects of his life. But when it came to their own relationship, he refused to acknowledge that Tay was as important to him as he subconsciously had felt all along. He refused to acknowledge that his decisions weren’t entirely up to him anymore. That this was what happened when you formed a relationship with someone else.

He remembered the look of shock on Tay’s face. How it had drained of color slowly. How the shock quickly turned to disbelief and, finally, anger. He winced as he recalled how upset Tay had been that night. He had never seen or heard Tay be that angry in the many years they had spent together.

“You’re SO CARELESS!” Tay had yelled through the phone screen. “I can’t BELIEVE you would do something like that without even talking to me about it first!”

“WHY?” New yelled back. “Why do you have to know everything in my life? Why can’t I make a decision on my own? Who are YOU to give ME permission to do anything?!” 

Tay glared at him. “You…..…..we……..…BECAUSE! You can’t just……….keep leaving me. Why would you do that? It’s TWO more fucking years, New!” His voice remained loud but New could hear the confusion in it.

He himself didn’t know why this was bothering Tay so much. In fact, he didn’t even know why suddenly it was bothering HIM so much! 

“Why are you reacting like this?” New fired back. “I’m just trying to focus on my career, do something different besides just acting, explore different options. But YOU!” He roared. “YOU want to keep me tied to that city, to YOU. For what? Why do you always want to tie me down? Isn’t that SELFISH of you?!”

Tay visibly flinched. Hard. 

And it was in that moment New knew he had crossed a line. 

“If I’m selfish, then you’re an ass.” Tay said abruptly. “Because all you do is hurt people blindly just because YOU can’t find happiness. Don’t blame me for your issues! You’re running now and you’ll always run because you’re just EMPTY inside.” His voice was so low and cold now it made New shiver involuntarily. “But it doesn’t matter where you go, you’ll still always BE EMPTY.”

New gasped, forcing himself out of the dark memories that haunted him and abruptly rolling over on the bed to face Tay, his broad back illuminated by the dim moonlight from the window. He reached over to lightly brush his fingers over the area where the light hit Tay’s back, knowing it may wake him up but not caring because he suddenly needed his comfort. 

Tay’s body shivered slightly and he rolled over until he was now facing New. He smacked his lips and opened his eyes slowly, rubbing them a little to clear his vision.

“What is it?” He asked quietly, extending an arm to immediately pull New closer to him, unhappy with even this little bit of distance. 

“Nothing. I just……..wanted a hug.” New mumbled as he wrapped his arms around Tay’s waist and buried his face in his chest.

Tay held on to him tight, inhaling his scent, feeling his heart beat against his own, the rise and fall of both of their chests in sync. 

“Did you have a bad dream or something?” He asked as he kissed the top of New’s head.

“I just remembered our last argument. When I was away.” New said, turning his face sideways so that his cheek now rested against Tay’s firm chest. He stared at the ceiling, eyes getting watery. “I was so awful to you.” He whispered.

Tay’s chest rose and fell in a quiet laugh. “I think we were awful to each other.” 

New thought about this for a second. “Yeah. You’re right.”

Tay placed his hand around New’s cheek and tilted his face up. “I’m sorry too.” He said, scrunching his eyebrows together, his eyes conveying a resolute sincerity. It was as if he was desperate for New to see that he, too, had made mistakes. 

He too sought forgiveness.

“I said some things that I know hurt you terribly. I can’t take them back but I CAN promise to do better from now on.”

New observed his face. The light from the window only highlighted the left side of Tay’s face, leaving the other side in shadow. He thought about how neither of them were completely right or wrong. Their circumstances had forced them to where they were today.

“I forgive you.” He said, leaning his face up to connect his lips with Tay’s. 

Tay immediately gripped the back of New’s head and tugged firmly, satisfied with New’s gasp as it allowed him to hungrily deepen their kiss. His hand then roamed all over New’s back at a leisurely pace, his fingers barely touching the skin, causing New to shiver multiple times. Tay slowed down the kiss, now sucking on New’s bottom lip as his hand continued farther down New’s back until it reached his favorite spot - his ass. He cupped it gently before squeezing slowly, causing New to smile and shake his head as he broke their kiss and crammed his face into the crook of Tay’s neck.

He smiled. He loved when New suddenly got shy. He was used to seeing New be fiercely independent, stubborn, and strong when it came to his personal matters. He was one of the smartest and bravest people Tay had ever met. But every so often when they’d lay together he would get so shy all of a sudden and this, in turn, would drive Tay wild. 

He leaned his body over until New now lay flat on his back with Tay resting comfortably between his legs. New lay his head back against the pillow and looked to his left again, out the window at the rain that was now falling steadily. The pitter patter of the raindrops on the roof got heavier. He felt Tay kiss gently in the tender spot where his neck met his shoulder, then his collar bone, and finally the center of his chest. He noticed how the moon suddenly seemed to be fading away, the sky lightening ever so slightly as the first feeble rays of dawn tried to break through the grey clouds. 

He felt Tay’s soft kisses move down to his abdomen, his stomach involuntarily sucking in as his nerves tightened and his heart began to beat faster. 

Tay slid his hands up New’s thighs, squeezing them gently and dragging his fingernails across them. He then kissed and bit the side of New’s torso, slowly pulling down his boxers in the process. 

New noticed the rain slowing down now. His hands suddenly went to Tay’s head of their own accord, yanking him up to kiss him deeply. He felt Tay’s hand slide between his legs to grip his now hardened dick, sliding up and down in a slow, deliberate pace. New’s hands tightened in Tay’s hair, pulling softly as his frustration mounted and he desperately needed release. Tay slowly slid his tongue into New’s mouth, letting it lick the top of the inside of his mouth first before making its way through the other crevices. 

New whined and whispered “please!” against Tay’s mouth. 

Tay grinned. “One more time.” 

“PLEASE!” 

Tay’s hand on his dick increased the pace. New’s eyes rolled to the back of his head and his mouth opened into a familiar “O”, his thick lips glossed and reddened by their kiss. His cheeks flushed and he cried out “ahhh” softly, back arching until he finally found release and lay back down, his head turned towards the window but his eyes closed.

Tay kissed his cheek gently, over and over again. New opened his eyes and saw that it was now dawn. The sky was that strange light yellow color that is just about to break into blue. 

He still felt incomplete, like something was missing.

He turned his face to look at Tay who was now staring down at him with a small smile. 

“What?” Tay said, eyebrows raised in question.

New’s breathing quickened and he nodded at Tay. “You know what. Please.”

“Gladly.”

Tay leaned down to kiss him on the forehead, then the tip of his nose where his favorite mole was, and finally his lips. He slid his hand off New’s dick to his hole now, pushing in one wet finger very slowly. New winced slightly but took a deep breath and opened his legs wider. Tay moved to kiss in the middle between New’s neck and shoulder, sucking on it gently as he slowly pushed and pulled his finger in and out of New. 

New squirmed a little, the familiar pain and pleasure lighting him up inside. He moaned softly and Tay stuck in another finger, relishing the sound of New’s moans getting louder. 

“Tayyyyyy,” New whined after a few minutes.

Tay bit down lightly on the side of New’s neck. 

“Tay!” New cried out, the sudden pain coinciding with Tay’s fingers going in and out of him, driving him crazy. 

Tay smiled against New’s skin, finally taking his fingers out and positioning his dick at the entrance. 

“Open your eyes.” He demanded.

New opened them slowly, so lost with how Tay was playing his body that he could barely see clearly. “Mmmm?” He managed to breathe out.

“I love you.” Tay said firmly.

New noticed that Tay’s entire face was now bathed in sunlight. The sun had finally come out and the sky was a light blue. Dawn was settling in.

He smiled. “Thanks. I have that affect on people.”

Tay grinned and smacked his thigh. 

“Owwww.” New whined, even as the sting on his thigh pinched at every tight nerve in his body. He looked down to see Tay’s handprint on it and blushed, hating how much he loved having Tay’s mark on his body.

He looked back at Tay, eyes softening as they roamed the face of the one person that made him feel anger, frustration, passion, and love all at once. “I hate that I love you.” He suddenly burst out in frustration. “I hate that I can’t quit you. Fuck!” He squeezed the palms of his hands into his eyelids, pressing hard as his emotions threatened to overpower his strong will power yet again.

Tay’s smile got wider.

“I hate that you keep bringing me back,” he continued, “I hate that no one else can give me what you give me. I hate that when I’m with you I want to BE vulnerable and I WANT you to see all of me in every. Way. Possible. I that you kee—mmmph!”

Tay pushed his dick in gently, savoring every second of this moment. The last three years had been rough on him. He had missed New’s snappy mouth, his beautiful body, his sharp mind, his strength, his snark, and even his moles. There wasn’t a day that went by that he didn’t think, even for a second, about what it would feel like to hold him one more time. To breathe in his scent just for a few moments. To listen to him complain about how much he hated their relationship even though he kept coming back to it like it was his drug of choice.

He pushed in deeper, looking down at how New’s eyes were shut tight, his teeth biting down on his bottom lip as he finally stopped talking for once, his chest now flushed with a faint blush. He pulled out only to ram back in again at a faster pace. He couldn’t take his eyes off New’s face as his mouth opened and he cried out. Tay shoved in and out faster, harder and deeper, watching New slowly break apart under him and succumb to the release that he knew only Tay could provide.

“Tayyyy!” New breathed out, head bobbing up and down as Tay kept up the steady pace. 

“Do,” Tay began, shoving his dick back in then bringing it out roughly, “you,” he went in and out again, “have something,” in and out, “to say now?” 

New let out a sharp cry as he felt himself climax so hard he could’ve sworn he almost saw stars. “I………….wha…………hmm?” He babbled, vigorously shaking his head left and right as the aftershocks pulsed through his body.

Tay reached down to bite on his bottom lip, shoving his dick back in to the hilt this time, New’s arms wrapped tightly around his torso as his fingernails scratched at his back.

He came hard and fast, his mouth pulling on New’s bottom lip, confident that it was going to leave a deep cut but knowing full and well New absolutely did not mind. 

He collapsed on top of him, both of them breathing heavily now, sweat dripping from their bodies. New's phone on the nightstand suddenly buzzed, signaling a new message. Before he could even move a muscle Tay, irritated that anything had ruined their perfect moment, reached over and grabbed it, rolling his eyes and looking extremely annoyed at the message.

"This guy again! What does he want?"

New's brows furrowed. He grabbed his phone from Tay and immediately checked the message.

"Oh, my friend Kay! He's back in Bangkok? Nice!"

Tay rolled his eyes. "Should we roll out the red carpet?"

New frowned. "Tay, you've never met him before! If you did, you'd like him. He's really kind and sweet."

Noticing that this conversation was going down a path Tay did not want to take right now (or ever), he gently took New's phone out of his hand and placed it back on the nightstand, then proceeded to lay back down atop his chest again. New placed his hand atop Tay’s head and ran his fingers through his hair. “Who told you to love me this much?” He mumbled quietly.

Tay laughed, raising his head to rest his forehead against the other’s. “Does it matter anymore? I just do. You’re stuck with it.” 

“So annoying.” New whispered, smiling as he kissed the tip of Tay’s nose. 

“Says the one underneath me right now.”

New gasped, smacking Tay’s head. 

Tay laughed harder. “How long have you been back? A month, tops? And look where you are!”

“It’s one month and one day now, a new day JUST STARTED!” New yelled, hands now shoving Tay’s shoulders in an attempt to push him off. “Just get off of me, I have to get ready for work.”

“Noooo okay okay, I won’t say anything anymore. Please!” Tay wrapped his arms around New’s waist and held on tight. “Don’t leave me again.” He whispered desperately.

New’s grip on his shoulders softened and he shook Tay gently. “Hey, listen to me. I’m not going anywhere.” He said firmly, looking into his eyes and trying to give him the reassurance that he knew Tay desperately needed. “I know there’s nothing either of us can say right now that can heal the wounds from the last couple of years. I know we’ve both damaged each other far beyond repair. We can’t fix this overnight but we can try, Tay.” He ran his hands lightly up and down Tay’s back in a soothing manner. “Hmmm? Let’s try this time. Really hard. Let’s be honest with each other and give this all we’ve got. Nothing lasts forever but we can make this last for now.” 

Tay nodded. “We can try anything, I don’t care New. Just. Never leave my side.” He said in a defeated tone, sighing as he slid down and rested his cheek against New’s chest, staring out the window alongside the other boy. “I have all these people in my life but no one to call my own.” He said quietly, placing his hand on New’s thigh now and caressing it gently. “You’re the first person that’s ever actually felt MINE.”

New laughed softly as he placed his hands atop Tay’s head again and ran his fingers through his hair. “I don’t wanna be anywhere else, Tay. I spent three years away just to come back and fall into the same bed with you again. I’m not going anywhere.” He said firmly. “I have nowhere TO go. Everything I need I have right now with me.”

Tay looked up at him. “Then don’t go to work. Run away again but take me with you this time.” 

New smiled. “Where would we go?”

“Somewhere away from all of this! Where no one’s watching us, and……….we’re not on anyone’s schedule. It’s just you and me doing whatever we want as long as we’re together all day and all night.”

New leaned forward to kiss him lightly on his left cheek, then his right, his Adam’s apple and his forehead before finally pulling him in for a hug, Tay’s face tucked securely into the side of his neck. There was no denying that both boys had hurt each other so badly that the scars still stung, all these years later. And neither one of them was foolish enough to think that everything was perfectly fine now. No, in fact the reality was quite the opposite - they had now started the long and difficult process to recovery. They didn’t know how long it would take. But recovery didn’t have a timeline. It was a day to day process, a slow healing that would never erase the scars but cover them just enough so that both can move forward. Together. 

“Some day.” He promised, wrapping his arms tighter around Tay and kissing his shoulder. “We’ll get out of this some day. Some day it’ll just be you and me and our life together. Just hang in there with me, Tay.” He raised his legs now and circled them securely around Tay’s waist. “Please.”

“Don’t worry, I don’t plan on letting us separate ever again,” Tay muttered under his breath. “I’ll drag us both into some dark cave where we both can’t escape but at least you’ll still be by my side.” He whispered against New’s soft cheek, opening his mouth to grasp his sharp jawline with his teeth.

New rolled his eyes. Such insane ideas could only come from Tay. “So dramatic.” He mumbled, grinning as he felt Tay’s hand snake down to his dick once more.

He looked out the window one last time and noticed the sky was slowly changing to a darker shade of blue. There was no yellow or grey or even pink in sight. 

Just blue, everywhere that New could see.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the end. 
> 
> thanks for reading! PLEASE leave your thoughts, questions, comments, concerns, suggestions, whatever you want. :)
> 
> twitter --> @confusedpolca


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